How to explain things to children

A woman at a shopping mall approached a nursing mother nearby and complained, saying "I don't know how to explain to my 5-year-old what you're doing." The same argument has been used against gay marriage (or even gays holding hands in public), a more controversial subject than public nursing but becoming more and more acceptable in the eyes of most Americans. And, more controversial still, it's been used to protest against a couple walking down the sidewalk with one partner holding the other on a leash - expressing a lifestyle that few understand who have not chosen it for themselves. It's never easy to explain to a young child something that you yourself do not understand fully, or which arouses strong feelings of disgust, moral indignation or offense. Should we prohibit or discourage such behavior in areas where strangers' children might see, in order to prevent the awkward or difficult conversations that it might bring up?

No, of course not.

First of all, as many parents should already know or will very quickly learn, a large part of the job of parenting is to explain difficult things. Children learn most of what they know of the world from their parents, whether consciously through intentional direction and instruction or unconsciously through examples set in the parents' own behavior. So, naturally, every parent must eventually face hard-to-answer questions, and explain why the family next door doesn't go to the same church as us, what is going to happen to the beloved family cat when it's taken to the vet to be put down, why the people we saw on the TV news are so intent on hurting each other, and what Daddy and Mommy did to bring a child into the family. Sometimes, especially if the child is very young, these explanations may require some gloss or a fanciful exaggeration to avoid bringing up details that are truly inappropriate, but at least the kid can know that what's happening is normal and natural - or, alternatively, that it's wrong and shouldn't be imitated, depending on which values you want to pass on. Don't get me wrong, some of these topics are real stumpers even for grown-ups. But nobody is trying to restructure society or limit others' freedoms just for the purpose of keeping kids from asking tough questions.

If anything, the complaint that "I don't know how to explain that to my child" is not an indictment of the behavior the child is asking about, but of the parent's ability to confidently raise their child in a complicated, confusing, and very diverse world.

But what if the parent really is at a loss for explaining something, and simply cannot begin to instruct their child on the meaning of what they're witnessing and what should be done about it? Don't worry. Children, as parents may remember from their own pasts, are very smart. Even if they aren't told explicitly, kids pick up on a lot. A friend of mine once worried that his half-sister, then four years old, wouldn't understand how they could be siblings although they had different dads. He needn't have worried; nontraditional families are only strange to those who have not seen them before. Growing up in one herself, my friend's sister may learn that other families are different - but that will not change her understanding of who her brother is to her.

Although neither of my parents have ever divorced, I grew up in a nontraditional family in a couple of different ways. One is that my father chose to take my mother's name when they got married. It was my understanding, as a child, that married couples choose whichever name they like best. And so, when another kid and I were playing with toy animals and wanted two of them to get married, one of the first things I asked was which name they would keep. Did this result in an uncomfortable silence as the other kid, raised by more traditional parents, tried to understand why I would say such a thing? No. Without missing a beat, she suggested a solution and our play went on uninterrupted. I don't know whether she later asked her parents whether it's really always the wife who changes her name, but I imagine it wasn't a terribly difficult question to answer if she did.

In fact, not only do children learn quickly and easily, but they will most likely understand many things that their own parents never will. Just as my generation, who grew up using computers and cell phones and the internet, tends to be more proficient in using those technologies than our parents and grandparents, so does each generation become accustomed to different social norms as our society becomes more diverse, more open, and more focused on individual freedoms and choices. That's not to say that children are smarter or better than their parents - after all, kids who learned to "type" with their thumbs on a tiny cell phone keypad may never learn to use a traditional keyboard, and since calculators became a common school supply few children have learned to use a sliderule (let alone an abacus).

And there are certain lessons that we should be glad our children won't learn. Today, a 16-year-old boy can't run a household, but his chances of being orphaned at that age are much less now then they were a few generations ago, and if he was then he'd be taken care of by a caring relative or a foster family, so thankfully he will never have to learn how. Children of color in America will never again have to ask their parents why there aren't any white children in their school, or why they can't use the nicer water fountains. I think these changes part and parcel of a more progressive society where some conservative parents may have to face the prospect of explaining the family down the street with two dads.

My final reason for this tirade will possibly be the most difficult for many parents to hear. Ultimately, no matter how much instruction you impart, or how perfectly you set your example, or how hard you try to instill your values, you will never be in complete control of your children. My very liberal agnostic mother could not stop me from dating a conservative Christian, and my abrasively atheist father couldn't keep me from experimenting with religions the way some teenagers experiment with substances. My hard-line Catholic aunt may have raised her children to be Catholic themselves, but couldn't stop them from eventually questioning many of her more conservative beliefs. Eventually, every parent much reach a point when they admit they've done all they can do, and hope that they've at least kept their children from living too atrociously. And, parents, admit it: you didn't take your own upbringing hook line and sinker either. And you turned out alright, didn't you?

Now prove it, and don't be such a pussy about your own parenting duties.